The hardest part to a relationship comes at the end when it is over. The beginning is wonderful and full of excitement and freshness. It is very alluring and the goodwill that is created can carry a relationship through hard times. However, newness fades and the relationship stales. Many times when everything else has been tried, thoughts of ending the relationship come into play. How do you know it is time to move on? Being realistic about your feelings is the first step.You need to assess your wants and needs to see if they have changed. Then look at your partner and assess him or her, as he or she is, and evaluate whether they fit into the grander scheme of your life. While your life should be lived in the present and each day made as special as it can be, it is not wise to ignore what the future may bring. If you are being abused, hurt, cheated on, or lied to then chances are the relationship will not survive.
If the issue has been brought up repeatedly, and remains unresolved, then your own happiness must become paramount. The connection you have with your partner should never include one of a degrading and insulting nature. Think about the future you are creating. Consider the extra burden you are carrying in dealing with your partners' behavior. Is he a shameless flirt? Is she bossy and demanding? Insecurity and lack of confidence can lead to problems down the road. Relationships are not about control and manipulation. When those factors enter into the relationship, and cannot be removed, it is time to end it. Do you truly enjoy each others company? Do you find yourself relieved whenever you part company? If a sense of relief occurs within you at your partners leaving, then this is a large sign that should not be ignored. Relationships need communication and closeness to survive.
If you're finding yourself wishing your partner were gone more than you wish they were there, the end is near. Evaluate your role in maintaining the relationship. Relationships are a two-way street. Each person has to be involved in giving and taking. When one person takes more and does not reciprocate, the relationship begins to wane. Equal participation and reciprocation in a relationship is imperative to its survival. Does your partner show by actions that you are still important? As they say, actions speak louder than words. Your partners actions may change over time, but the attentiveness in their actions should not change. If your partner continually forgets to call, or ignores your calls, you have to ask yourself if this is acceptable to you. If not, then decisions will need to be made. Do you feel accepted and appreciated? What can really be said in response to this question?
If you are not feeling appreciated and you have discussed it with your partner and nothing changes, Move On. Each person has to assess why he or she is in the relationship and how much mistreatment he or she is willing to accept in that relationship. Eventually, continued neglect between partners will result in hard feelings and a hurtful end to the relationship. Keep in mind that this assessment should be made after one feels they have made all the attempts necessary to revive the relationship. It's when the good memories are stripped from you because the truth changes the perspective that hurts. The cheating doesn't hurt - it's the loss of the dream, the loss of faith, the loss of trust - it's seeing someone you love in a light that makes you hate what they've done...and the duality of holding the love and the hate in the same place in your heart at the same time. Hating someone actually hurts less than saying, "I don't love you anymore." Saying that hurts less than saying, "I trusted you and now I don't."
I have a friend I speak to about the philosophical things in life...a friend I do not always agree with, but whom I respect his opinion, even when different than mine. I spoke to this friend this morning about trust. He said we don’t need to know the whole truth to make decisions - effectively, when you know someone has cheated on you, you just needed to make the decisions based on the information you have - cut your losses and move forward.
To my friend, I mentioned something about learning from my mistakes. He asked me what my mistake was. I said, "Trusting again." He told me that trusting wasn't a mistake, that you have to go into every relationship and extend the trust, no matter the risk. The mistake would have been not trusting. He's right. (and I don't admit that to him often), but he is right. You can't come at a perspective when someone has cheated on you and ask, "What did I do wrong."
There is nothing you did so wrong that warrants someone cheating on you. If the relationship is bad, if you did do something wrong, then the other person has the right to talk to you, to confront you, or if worse comes to worst, to leave you...but he or she doesn't have the right to cheat. Cheating is the cheater's mistake - not yours. You did nothing wrong that deserve you having been cheated on. Even if you made mistakes in the relationship, even if you withheld intimacy, even if you and your partner fought constantly, there is nothing that justifies cheating - period. Nothing. The other party can leave, break it off, ask for a divorce, or do any number of other things in response to a relationship gone bad, but cheating is never an acceptable solution. But the question I have to ask is - can you recover from the cheating - yes. Can you recover from the loss of trust and ever be able to extend it - to "allow without fear" ever again? I don't think so, at least not to that person. But one cannot judge other people by the mistakes that the people from our past have made.
That isn't fair. Barbara De Angelis was once quoted as saying, “If he cheats once, get help. If he cheats twice get out.” Not bad advice, really, because sometimes one can make a mistake and realize all they stood to lose in choosing to cheat. When that happens, if the party who cheated realizes this, makes amends, and comes back together to the relationship with total honesty, that relationship could actually become stronger than it was before, because they will realize just what they stood to lose and will do everything in their power not to lose it again. However, if the cheater cheats again, then it’s time to let go and move on to better relationships. There can be no trust without faithfulness, no trust without lies, no trust without cheating, and where there is not trust, there is no chance to “allow without fear” again.
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